Back To Normal Relatively Speaking
by Red Witch
Summary: After the entire Archer Vice arc life at the agency returns to normal. Whatever that is.


**Milton the toaster robot has run over the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just mindless drabble and a little insanity that came from my mind. **

**Back to Normal…Relatively Speaking **

"I can't believe this!" Mallory snapped as she poured herself a drink in her 'new' office. "I'm seriously starting to regret this partnership with the CIA! These people have no idea what it takes to run an office! I put in a request form for a tiny little renovation that I desperately need and they said no!"

"Okay let's skate past the fact that technically the CIA took over our agency and it's not a partnership and move on to the real issue," Cyril groaned as he sat in the chair across from her desk. "What did you want they said no to? Another rare expensive table?"

"No Cyril. A walk in closet with my own personal bathroom!" Mallory told him as she sat at her desk. "Just like the ones in San Marcos. Only no gold toilet seats. I mean that is a little much even for me."

"I should have known," Cyril sighed.

"Heated yes! But not gold plated!" Mallory protested as she took a sip. "I mean who does Slater think he is? Calling my expenses frivolous!"

"Our new boss?" Cyril asked.

"I spend a lot of time here! I need a closet and my own bathroom!" Mallory fumed, not really listening to Cyril. "I mean come on with all the messes Sterling, Krieger and Sticky Fingers Poovey make alone I need an extra change of clothes or two just in case! Or going out on a mission or doing some fundraising…"

"Yeah Slater called and asked me to ask you about that," Cyril groaned.

"And my own bathroom is a necessity! Come on! Do I really need to go into all the reasons I'm sick and tired of sharing a bathroom with you lot?" Mallory went on, still not listening. "Either the men are in the ladies room or the women are in the men's room! And you're all gossiping, having sex or Pam is doing her awful octopus porn!"

"He really wants to know about some of these old accounts you made in the past," Cyril tried to press on.

"I mean is that even a **thing**?" Mallory asked. "I'm just sick of walking in on God knows what kind of debauchery you people come up with. Who's running this office? Caligula?"

"I've been looking over the books myself and there's some pretty questionable stuff there," Cyril tried to get her back on track.

"No, Caligula would be too conservative compared to you people!" Mallory folded her arms. "This morning I walked into a stall and all over the whole area Pam had spray painted naked pictures of herself! All over the stall! And I'm not even going to tell you what she painted on the toilet seat! It's too disturbing!"

"Really? Which stall?" Cyril asked. "The one on the far end or…?"

"I had no choice but to leave the building and use the restroom at the local coffee shop!" Mallory groaned. "Which surprisingly wasn't as disgusting as our restrooms! Even though I could have sworn I saw a cockroach the size of a schnauzer in there."

"Are you talking about the one down the block? Or the one down two blocks?" Cyril asked. "Because the one down the block is pretty clean compared to…"

"I would have just used the men's room here but I saw Gillette enter before me and I don't even want to think about what he was going to do in there!" Mallory sniffed.

"Besides going to the bathroom?" Cyril asked.

"And don't even get me started on the disgusting smells that come from…" Mallory shuddered. "Again…Pam! And sometimes Cheryl depending on if she has matches that day. Anyway I tried to bring this up to Slater and he just shut me down! Who does he think he is?"

"He is our CIA liaison so…Technically…" Cyril tried to be tactful.

"I even decided to compromise out of the goodness of my own heart and offered to pay for some of the renovations out of my own pocket!" Mallory went on. "And he still shut me down! Then he had Hawley come in and he was all, 'You can't do that' 'Not appropriate' 'What about all these back taxes you owe?' Meh! Meh! Meh!"

"Again yeah that's part of the reason I'm here…" Cyril winced. "Slater called and asked me to do an audit of your expenses for the past few years…"

"Then! Get this! They actually suggested that I start making cuts my own budget!" Mallory snapped. "Not just for the drones and the agents, but to cut down on things for **me!**"

"What a shock," Cyril said dryly.

"I know!" Mallory went on. Ray and Pam walked in carrying some files. "Oh look. It's the Gabor Sisters. Zsa Zsa and Eat-Va!"

"We got those papers on the office specs and furniture catalogs you wanted," Pam said. "Don't know why you need them. I'm kind of glad things are back to normal now."

"Relative term," Mallory grumbled. "Ugh. Forget it. Those files are useless to me now since the CIA refused to give me any more money to fix this dump."

"The fact that you already took about ten million dollars from the CIA to rebuild the offices could also be a factor," Ray remarked. "Which you put Pam and Cheryl in charge of."

"Don't forget Mr. Archer was on the planning committee," Pam added. "He was very specific about his vision."

"The only vision my son has is blurred after a night of cobra whisky and prostitutes of unknown gender!" Mallory groaned.

"I can't believe you spent ten million dollars just to remake the same crappy office we had before," Cyril groaned to Pam.

"Well we were on a budget," Pam shrugged.

"That Japanese whorehouse is looking better right now isn't it?" Ray quipped to Mallory.

"God even the smells are the same," Mallory groaned. "I can still smell sweet and sour sauce! And I see the same damn stains on the carpet!"

"Got it from the same Chinese restaurant too!" Pam said cheerfully. "Well not exactly the same. I mean it's the same building and the same kind of restaurant but it's got a different name because it has new owners. It used to be called the Golden Palace and now it's called the Jade Palace."

"Speaking of change of names what exactly is our agency called now?" Ray asked.

"Yeah the CIA wants to know so it can write it on our checks," Cyril agreed.

"I'm working on it! I've been kicking around a few ideas and…It doesn't matter!" Mallory snapped. "They can just send the checks in my name and I'll pay you."

"Uh, that's not going to happen," Cyril said. "Slater was very specific on that. It's not that the CIA doesn't trust you to not mismanage their money…"

"They don't trust you at all," Ray added.

"Which is why they want you to answer those questions," Cyril pointed to the papers in his hand.

"Do I have to? It's the CIA not the IRS!" Mallory grumbled. "I mean this is the same agency that manufactured a civil war because they wanted to burn a hole in their budget so they could get a raise! What does it matter how I spend my money?"

"Well for starters it's technically **their** money. And another thing remember that forty million dollar painting we brought back? The all-white one with nothing on it?" Cyril asked. "Turns out the CIA is having trouble selling it because counterfeiters are **not **having any trouble copying it."

"What idiot is going to pay forty million dollars for something they can get at a crafts store for forty cents?" Ray asked. "Besides a certain deceased South American dictator?"

"Fine…" Mallory grumbled. "What stupid things do they want to know anyway?"

"Okay did you ever use any agency funds to give any…presents to any of your past or present…boyfriends?" Cyril asked with a grimace.

"Well not really," Mallory shrugged. "Okay maybe a gold watch or two to Rip Riley and a few other agents that worked here. But that was a business expense! They earned those watches!"

"I'll bet," Ray whispered to Pam.

"And I may have once or twice sent some bottles of wine or champagne to Len Trexler and a few other people but that was also for business reasons," Mallory shrugged. "Over the holidays. Kind of like a networking thing."

"Did you send any gifts to Jakov?" Ray asked. "Was that a networking thing?"

"Only on his birthday once or twice," Mallory admitted. "Nothing big that could be traced to me. Okay a watch once but that's it. It's not like I gave the man any classified secrets!"

Flashback to several years ago…

"God that was good…" A younger Mallory was in bed with a younger Nikolai Jakov. "Ugh. Pity you don't get out in the field more often."

"Well I am now head of KGB," Jakov told her. "You know we should take a vacation together. Get away for a little bit. Just the two of us. How does Cuba sound?"

"I think it sounds lovely if it wasn't for the fact Americans aren't banned to traveling to that country," Mallory scoffed.

"So do what you did last time when you went Guatemala and use those fake Spanish papers," Jakov waved. "And a few gold coins for bribes. Nobody really checks anymore. I know this great place on the beach where we can be alone. I know a guy."

"Hmmm…Why not? I could use a vacation," Mallory admitted.

"Good I make reservations," Jakov said as he went to make the call.

"Oh and whatever you do, don't make it between the days of April 15 and April 17," Mallory said. "On April 15 early Saturday morning the CIA is going to send eight B-26 bombers from Nicaragua to Cuba and bomb Castro's airfields. Going to make it look like a power struggle from within Castro's own government."

"So…Air traffic will not be good that day?" Jakov asked.

"No, and stay away from the beaches on the 17th," Mallory warned. "By midnight they're going to be crawling with over 1400 Cuban exiles trying to take back their country. They're called Brigade 2506."

"Really? How do you know all this?" Jakov was stunned.

"Oh I have some friends at the CIA who tell me things," Mallory waved. "So if we're going to meet up again April is pretty bad. How about May?"

"I think we can make that work," Jakov admitted. "Uh I am going to call my office and tell my secretary to…water my plants. Be right back." He left the room.

"Fine don't be too long," Mallory didn't think anything off it. "Wait a minute…Since when do you have a secretary? It better not be that crazy Russian twit I caught you with in Germany!"

"It's not her! It's a man!" Jakov protested. "There was nothing between us anyway!"

"Yeah right," Mallory scoffed. "A fair amount of warning Nikolai, you get up pretty early to fool Mallory Archer. Damn it. It's too early to get up. Wake me when it's noon!" She went back to sleep.

Back to today…

"Nope. I did not give Jakov any information whatsoever," Mallory bluffed. "Nothing. I dare you to prove it."

"O-kay…" Cyril blinked. "I'm just going to put no on the form. There aren't any files that refute this statement are there?"

"Not anymore," Mallory shrugged.

"That's just peachy…" Cyril groaned.

"Why do I have the feeling that we're all better off not knowing?" Ray groaned. "Besides years of experience?"

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"And what is the point of this god damn metal monstrosity?" Mallory yelled as Milton rolled into the room.

"Who doesn't like free toast?" Pam asked. To this Milton popped out some toast. "Score!"

"And now I'm going to get ants," Mallory groaned as Pam munched on some toast. "Thanks to all the crumbs that Pam drops all over my…Oh never mind. This carpet can't get that much worse."

"Well not with that attitude," Pam said between bites.

"What did I ever do to deserve this?" Mallory groaned rubbing her forehead to try and stop the large headache.

"That's a rhetorical question right?" Ray asked as he lit up a cigarette.

Before Mallory could make a scathing homophobic remark Krieger rushed in. "All right now don't panic! Don't panic!"

"Why would we panic?" Cyril asked in a worried tone.

"No reason," Krieger gulped. "Has anyone seen the TB-800 running around here?"

"Your imaginary robot bear? No!" Mallory barked. "It is imaginary right?"

"Uh….Maybe?" Krieger gulped. "You know what? It's not important. Don't worry about it."

"That phrase alone causes me to worry about it," Cyril groaned.

The sound of something crashing in another room caught Krieger's attention. Then a weird mechanical laughter was heard. "Gotta go!" Krieger ran out. "Come back here Bear Jangles!"

ZZZAPPP!

"I knew I shouldn't have put lasers in your eyes!" Krieger was heard as the sound of something being destroyed was heard. "Come back here! NO! NO! GET AWAY FROM THAT! THE FIRE EXTINQUISHER IS NOT A TOY!"

"YES IT IS!" Cheryl was heard yelling.

"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!" Krieger shouted.

"AAAAAHH! IT'S A MINI TERMINATOR! GO BACK TO SKYNET YOU…" Cheryl was heard shouting. Then the sound of metal on metal whacking was heard.

"CHERYL! STOP HITTING THE TB-800 WITH THAT FIRE EXTINQUISHER!" Krieger yelled. "NO! NO! NO! NO!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Do I even want to **know**?" Mallory groaned as she slumped her head into her hands.

"Uhhhhhhh…." Pam said as she and the others looked out the door. A foamy mess was everywhere. "Nope."

"That's what I thought," Mallory finished her drink. "Wonderful. The only good thing about this is that the office is already a mess and can't get much worse."

"Where did it go? Where did it go?" Krieger was covered in foam and looking around. "Oh great! It got away again!"

"Ugh this reminds me of the time I tried to set fire to a car wash," Cheryl was covered in foam as well. "Which turned out to be not as much fun as I thought it would be."

"I'd make you lot clean this up but with all foam this is the cleanest this office has been in **years**," Mallory groaned as she went to look at the mess. "Maybe I'll get lucky and the foam will wash away the unknown stains on the carpet?"

"Actually I think this stuff is making even more stains on the carpet," Ray pointed out.

"Uh we're not getting any paperwork done today are we?" Cyril asked.

"What do **you** think?" Mallory snapped.

Milton then popped up another round of toast. "Oh shut up Milton," Mallory glared at the toaster.


End file.
